That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
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Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Stop judging people for what app they escape reality with and go back to judging them for what month they were born in
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
I’m not sorry.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
sailors wish they could swear like me
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute