Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low

“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring

When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.

I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.

If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert