Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅

It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.