Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine

Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.

ㅤ

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”

welcome mats are just gateway rugs

Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

is this meant to deter me