That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
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just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
smh
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
I bet oiling and wrapping potatoes in aluminum foil feels so good for the potato
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit