Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.

“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.

If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.

She starts the blender reluctantly.

In the distance, screams.

The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.

The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

Proctologist = Analyst

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”