That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
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1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
No, you’re not getting it your honor
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.