That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
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[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.