That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
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When did white people become such fucking pussies?
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.