That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
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I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
iPhone X
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this