That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
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Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours