That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
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HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
🙅🏻
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid