That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
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I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button