That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
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Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
¯_(ツ)_/¯
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
This is true.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.