That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
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Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days
i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Go bears!
(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull