Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?

🥴

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

*lands on other planet*

“Take me to your pain medication”

That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.

– Every kid ever.

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

me: I’m nervous about my job interview

friend: just be honest

[later]

interviewer: hi

me: yeah a little

Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious

Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal