Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.

When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

MyFitnessPal:

“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”

ONE METRIC TON!!

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-

me: no i’m sure this is my wish

[elsewhere]

mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer