That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
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[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day