Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feeling sad? Donuts.

Feeling blah? Donuts.

Feeling upset? Donuts.

Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.

A classic…

Said the murderer.

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

Come back after dark. Bring your friends

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

guy: [drinking a coke]

me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body

The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.

Two-word love stories:

Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

what it’s like dating me:

I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”

6:*writing thank you card* But, um..

Me: Write it!

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.

Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.