“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
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Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.