That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
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Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
my professor scared me for a second
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.