Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.

The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!

#LaborDay

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

Me: *Eating eggs*

Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting

[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-

Robin: you LIKE him!

Batman: omg shut up lol I do not

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there

rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month

[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”