That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
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Wish the trash would take me out for once.
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
uncle dave has been through hell
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Bike is short for Bichael.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”