That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
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please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Seems legit.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Make me look younger
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
doing your own taxes
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably