Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats

ME: *barely audible* orca-strated

HER: Get out!

#SometimesForFun I update signs at work

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.

It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam

Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.

Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.

Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists