That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
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How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
A tragic love story in two pictures.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal