That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
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People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
who will stop them
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.