That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
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Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger