That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
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Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Britain be like
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.