Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: “License and registration please.”

*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*

Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.

“Good luck tomorrow.”

* Me confusing a random stranger *

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

what the hell is this stain?

– a memoir

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me