Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!

Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!

Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.

But I looked rad AF.

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.

Apparently they are called children.

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on

The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.