Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:

Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.

Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.

Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

Need WebMD

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.

DIE HARD (1988)

Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.

The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

I love the National Park Service.

[On a first date]

Her: So, what’s your favorite food?

Me: Bacon

Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?

Me: Bacon

Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Bakin’

Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?

Me: I bring home the…

Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.

Me: Like this?

Friend: No, not like that

Me: How about now?

Friend: Please stop

Me:

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.