Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
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Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.