Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
That awkward moment when you realize you were born roughly nine months after 4/20.
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AGE 17: I’m gonna play this game on nightmare mode and complete everything
AGE 27: I’ll play this on hard mode but probably won’t do every quest
AGE 37: I died just turning the game on
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Everyone gets on the fashion industry for unrealistic beauty standards, but can we talk about unrealistic depictions of food on boxes?
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase