@ClaytonSykes

That awkward moment when you realize you were born roughly nine months after 4/20.

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@Ristolable

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

@KalvinMacleod

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

@thatUPSdude

Let’s remove all the Warning Labels and thin out the herd.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

@robin_991

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

@NOTVIKING

the spice girls: tell me what you want what you really really want

you, dumb: to be your lover

me, smart: a dirtbike

@OctopusCaveman

I want a doctor and a lawyer to do commentary on Home Alone and discuss the severity of the injuries and the liability of the homeowners.

@LoveNLunchmeat

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

@Angibangie

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

@Paxochka

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.