That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
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Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it