That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
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I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.