That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
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Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.