Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it

ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…

Not today Satan.

Not today.

Fitbit: Time for a walk

Me: *walks to snack machine

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.