Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”

9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.

excuse me

*seductively eats two tums*

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

*calls into work*

“yo boss i’m real sick”

“you don’t sound sick…”

“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”

“wow u do sound hella sick”

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits

Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???