“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
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[puts scarf on snowman]
Girl: to keep u warm
Snowman: I am made of snow.
G: omg you’re alive!
S: ok but lets get past that. are you stupid
gf: i took a pregnancy test
me: is it mine
gf: no, i bought it
[i arrive in hell]
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
[i arrive in super hell]
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Brain: HEY 2am let’s think about Greg
Brain: He saw you scratching your nose today & thinks you picked it
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I just want to look as good as Madonna does now when I’ve also been dead for 27yrs.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.