That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

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[puts scarf on snowman]
Girl: to keep u warm
Snowman: I am made of snow.
G: omg you’re alive!
S: ok but lets get past that. are you stupid


gf: i took a pregnancy test

me: is it mine

gf: no, i bought it


[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao




[i arrive in super hell]


INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?

ME: I can anagram anything

WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?


30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.


Brain: HEY 2am let’s think about Greg
Me: Ok
Brain: He saw you scratching your nose today & thinks you picked it
Me: Wa…what?
Brain: Owned


Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!


I just want to look as good as Madonna does now when I’ve also been dead for 27yrs.


Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.