That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
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alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
based al yankovic
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name