That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
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my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
when unicorns get really drunk
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
i prefer mine room temperature.
They’re stuck in your pants?
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.