Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?

in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

the clam before the storm

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.

ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

Old old old old old west

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.