@ramenfuneral

that awkward moment when you stub your toe and accidentally summon the spirits of a thousand dead feet while you yell and curse

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@IvoryGazelle

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

@sixfootcandy

[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.

@CeruleanGates

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

@Sickayduh

My dog ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles and now I gotta follow him around the yard because it’s his turn

@LizHackett

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

@Trisarahjtops

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

@Mr_Kapowski

[walks into 4D ultrasound office]

Receptionist: Uh sir. This is for pregnant women

Me: I just want to see my burrito again

@ThaJawn

Dad Rabbit: Who is this
Daughter Rabbit: My BF
Emo BF Rabbit: gotta go babe, My band Bad Hare Cut has practice *flips ears away from eyes

@batkaren

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.