flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
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Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..