Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.

After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

Aaaa…CHOO!

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?

Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.

My Plans:

watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

Top Gun is a Christmas movie.

There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?