That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
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Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist