Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.

Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…

Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?

Nephew: It matches your face!

Me: 😳😳

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery

My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*

Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.

Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.

“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.