That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
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[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.