Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”

Me on my way to annoy my favorite person

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.

I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify

Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.

Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit

Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

Me: yes

I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.

tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”

20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—

40: wtf just happened

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it

KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?

Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.

Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.

Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.

Me: seriously not a cult.

Dad: what do you call all those people?

Me:

Mom:

Dad:

Me: my followers.

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.

Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.

soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me