That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
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As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
birds and squirrels envy us
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?