Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.

my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.

The booster protects against what, now?

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

I cannot call her anything else now

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.

KFC hitting the cannibal market

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.

Me: this would be better without the raisins in it

Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about