That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
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[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Nigella has gone too far this time.