Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces

no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge

The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.

Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?

Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.

Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning

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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

This trial is so absurd 😭

Wedlock even sounds like a threat.

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.