That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
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I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground