That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
You Might Also Like
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Arrest that man!
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind