Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

lmao

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed

Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.

Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide