That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
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Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
New favorite tiktok
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”