Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because I cheated on you

wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen

the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os

Jesus: one of you will betray me

Judas: *surprised pikachu face*

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*

Me: He’s crowning!

King Charles: please don’t say it like that.

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.