That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
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95% of dentists recommend teeth.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Blew my mind.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
hey, alexa
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?