Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

I feel seen.

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?

“2”

SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.