This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
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Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot