@DepressedDarth

That awkward moment when your stormtrooper army loses a battle to a bunch of teddy bears with sticks and stones.

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@petridishes

from Jabba the Hutt’s perspective Star Wars is the story of a guy who owed him money and then instead of paying had his friends murder him

@ArfMeasures

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

@Ygrene

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

@junejuly12

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

@KimmyMonte

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

@TrueTorontoGirl

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

@DeadLioness

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

@RandomManik

If I were a millionaire, I’d probably sign up Angelina Jolie and Gwyneth Paltrow for a movie called, ‘Salt’ & ‘Pepper’.

@junejuly12

“Settle in, get comfy, hope your phone is fully charged and you have snacks”

Translated from “be with you shortly”

@Gupton68

Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible

Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank