next time i open up to someone is during surgery
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oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.