That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
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When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Probably my best painting.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.