Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me

Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN

Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”

me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

*Sweeping the floor

Lower back: “Time to go out!”

Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”

Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”

*cries hunchbackedly

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?

Me: Between 8am and 12pm

Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm