That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
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if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
who named him groot and not spruce lee
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what