That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
You Might Also Like
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Sing it!
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”