That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
You Might Also Like
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
This classic never gets old . . .
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
True?
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.