Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.

Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.

I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.

ME: *moistens lips with tongue*

DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

[outside of bank]

Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!

Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!

Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check

Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

ㅤ

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

[at a restaurant]

me: do you have a box I can put this in

waiter: the… the child?

ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall

Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet

Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]

Rudolph: what’s that Santa?

Santa: oh it’s nothing venison

Rudolph: what?

Santa: I meant son….nothing son

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”