Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.

Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”

[at hair salon]

Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!!

[in car two minutes later]

Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?

Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?

Parents: go to your room.

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

When you have mixed feelings about bathtime

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks