That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
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Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes