Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.

Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok

“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.

Lol

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

✌️

“What are you going to wear today?”

Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question