Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?

Me: Yes.

App: That would be nice, right? lol.

Me: what…

App: Sign in again.

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!

My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

I think about this a lot

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t