That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
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Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags