That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
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MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
when a toddler tells a story
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster