That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
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The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?