That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
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I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
I needed a laugh this morning.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
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Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.