That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
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I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
The game has officially changed 😎
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs