Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

Best seat on the street 😍

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

[office]

DAVE: We’re having a baby

SUE: Congratulations!

ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE

Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.